I am, unfortunately, sure of how I got here. I am the used to be girl who wore size 3 jeans home from the hospital with baby number one. I am the woman who hit the my highest weight after the birth of my third child, in my previous life. That highest weight is approximately 20 lbs less than I weigh today. Fitting, since that was 20 yrs ago. Now, 48 years old, I find it almost unbearable to be pushing on 200 lbs. 188.5 if we want to be exact and nosey.
For those who have never been fat, let me try and describe who it is like. Getting up and down from the floor has become embarrassing as I can't do it without splaying my legs out, and grunting , both up and down. My legs rub together and I am chaffed more times than not. The bathtub is no longer big enough really. I can't get the water high enough to cover my whole body and not hit the overflow drain. Sitting Indian style sideways in the tub is just barely possible. Another 5 lbs and it wouldn't happen.
Sex is no longer remotely enjoyable. I am too busy worrying about what is showing and how it looks. Not to mention I would shoot my self in the head before I sit on top.
I once helped my younger sister when she was very pregnant purchase size 18 maternity clothes and was in awe (as a little size 3) of how big these clothes were. Now , my 14's won't button, and my 16's barely do.
I go out of my way to avoid being in pictures, but on rare occasion someone still gets one. Oh my god, it sometimes ends up on FaceBook. I untag and beg the kids to take them down because I don't want others to really know how fat I am.
But the truth is I did this to myself. 2011 begins the end to the time I am willing to carrying all this weight around. My first goal is to reach my highest weight of my old life. 169 lbs. LOL, who ever thought that would be a goal? The reasons I want to do this is pretty simple. I do not like how I feel. I feel trapped in fat, and unhealthy and very ashamed. Cause no matter how you look at it , I stuffed myself with unhealthy food and lots of liquor, in an almost animistic feast of self indulgence over the past 2 years. So here we go 2011. Time to feel human again.
Going with online weight watchers. Will be starting today with Saturday weigh in's.
